Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score