” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
That’s easy for you to say
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I have never related to a cat more
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
True.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.