I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
When you’ve simply given up.