Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony