until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.