ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby