I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
This meal prepping shit easy
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.