I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
$4 #usedbooks
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
What a year we’ve had this week.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.