I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.