*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
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My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
this is funnier than any friends episode
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
cat vs inanimate object
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.