[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You Might Also Like
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
White Castle for the Win
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Buck naked
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.