My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
You Might Also Like
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Seems legit
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”