You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*bites zombie*
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]