I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”