A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Not messing around
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.