me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af