You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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That de-escalated quickly
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end