Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.