Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
You Might Also Like
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.