Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved