I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
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Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Nose
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad