Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.