Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir