Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Ah..makes sense now
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
How much for the goth pool noodles?