Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
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When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
any last words?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.