A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.