I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
You Might Also Like
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.