My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.