My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
🤣🤣🤣
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups