Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
How to wake up a Beagle
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Kids: Stay in school.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.