I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Just a reminder, folks:
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.