How to properly lift a body
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Thursday Thought.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?