my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
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My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.