Van Gone
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My inexpensive home security system…
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Tastes like chicken.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.