remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*