Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.