I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks