I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
just make the entire table out of coaster
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.