I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.