I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
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My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water