professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Legend 🤣🤣
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?