He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is