Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years