My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
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Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.