On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
your honor my client chooses dare
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop