Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
You Might Also Like
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*