ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
You Might Also Like
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.