[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw