LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
This one’s “Alex”.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
This is amazing.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda