INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
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If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.